between Matthew Dunmire and Jonathan Fuller
Section 1: Confidentiality
All romantic interests of the parties are hereby classified. Any inquiry from outside parties shall be met with the required deflection statement. Neither party shall confirm nor deny.
Section 2: Living Arrangements
The parties shall obtain an apartment together if and when it makes financial and logistical sense. No further justification required.
Section 3: Audience of One
The band known as “Audience of One” shall operate under a 50/50 profit split. The band shall never break up without mutual agreement. New members require approval from both parties.
Section 4: Debate [See Section 4 →]
Both parties must agree that there was never a better debate team. This is not up for discussion.
Section 4(b): If the opportunity arises, the parties shall compete under the pseudonyms “Jasper Landon Looming” and “Thomas Rolland Storm.”
(Should either party compete under these names, the other party must provide a letter of recommendation.)
Section 5: Public Office
Jonathan shall serve as President. Matthew shall serve as Vice President. Succession plan is in effect. A White House position is guaranteed for the other party.
Section 6: Oki
All definitions of the word “oki” are classified. Any outside inquiry shall be deflected using the provisions of Section 1 or by directing the inquirer to Google Translate.
Section 7: Pranks
The parties shall never prank each other. If either party becomes aware of a prank being planned by an outside party, they must warn the other immediately.
Section 8: Secrets & Blackmail
No secret shall be shared with any outside party without explicit approval. The code word “Apip” shall mean “Attempted Prank In Progress.”
Section 9: Social Media
No sharing of DMs. No posting of photos without approval from the other party. Violations will be reviewed under Section 11.
Section 10: Undetected Forms of Communication
The parties reserve the right to develop and employ forms of communication undetectable to outside parties.
Section 11: Enforcement
Violators of this contract shall be subject to “death” — clarified as death by natural causes at an unspecified future date. In the interim, the violating party must apologize and provide lunch and/or monetary compensation.
Section 12: Amendments
Any amendment to this contract must be approved by both parties and signed in person. No exceptions.
Section 13: REDACTED
Section 14: REDACTED
Current location: Somewhere in Texas (reluctantly)
Documented exits have been mapped. The red pin marks the current position. All routes lead north, east, or literally anywhere else.
Target destinations:
• Tennessee (0% income tax)
• Literally anywhere else
“We didn't choose Texas. Texas chose us. We're filing an appeal.”
Status: Escape plan active. ETA: TBD.
“It's a really old, shitty airport”
“They let me fly without any proof of identification. Definitely one of the safest airports.”
A random trip. A terrible airport. A great time.
“Yo that lauderdale trip was fire”
A perfectly adequate beer. Not too cold, not too warm.
Served in a glass that's seen better days.
“It's not about the beer. It's about the spreadsheet tracking the beer.”
Screen: Clash Royale (always).
Battery: 7% (always).
Recent notifications:
> Clan War ended. You were 2nd.
> Your tower was destroyed.
> Someone laughed at your deck.
> Battery critically low.
The tribunal has reviewed your recent matches. Verdict: inconclusive.
As mandated by Section 1 of the Accord.
Always flowing. Never questioned.
Note: Water is available for purchase at a 300% markup.
This is non-negotiable.
A stack of meticulously organized spreadsheets. Topics include:
• “Jonathan Complains Alot” — spreadsheet, author: M. Dunmire
• “Jonathan's Master Spreadsheet that was created by the Whistleblower” — author: M. Dunmire
• “Turo Analysis” — the empire that never was
• “Prefab Airbnb” — the other empire that never was
• “Things We Could Do While Apart” — a list for when they're in different states
• “DawgSeat Revenue Projections” — optimistic, to say the least
• “Texas Exit Strategy: Cost-Benefit Analysis”
• “Target Properties” — real estate dreams
Each cell is color-coded. There are 47 tabs.
A dusty violin case in the corner.
As mandated by Section 11.
It hasn't been opened in some time.
Nobody asks about it. That's for the best.
Contents: One (1) violin. Probably.
See Section 6 of the Accord.
oki /oh-kee/
Definition: REDACTED
Origin: REDACTED
Usage: REDACTED
This word was invented by the parties of the Accord and entered into the permanent lexicon. Its meaning is known only to those present at its creation.
What was the name of the band?
Audience of One - The Collection
A true fan listens till the end.
What government department did Dunmire & Fuller seek to abolish?
NOTICE OF ABOLISHMENT
WHEREAS the United States federal government has exceeded its constitutional authority as defined by James Madison in regulating agriculture through the establishment of the USDA;
WHEREAS Madison's principle holds that federal powers are “few and defined” and the regulation of agriculture falls outside the enumerated powers of the Constitution;
WHEREAS the parties Dunmire & Fuller presented this case before the National Invitational Tournament of Champions (NITOC), achieving the following record:
BE IT RESOLVED:
That the Department of Agriculture shall be abolished effective immediately. All displaced employees shall receive severance packages as follows:
MISSION STATUS: ONGOING
“Maybe we weren't completely crazy to offer $1 mil to USDA employees that we fired”
— M. Dunmire, 2025
RELATED INTELLIGENCE
The parties have since expanded operations beyond the USDA. Intelligence gathered during the 2017 campaign has been repurposed for the following ventures:
Clue 1/5: The contract has a secret.
There's more...
QUESTION 1 OF 3
What was the name of the business Jonathan and Matthew started together?
For authorized personnel only.
How much was the security deposit?
Managed by Denton Floyd
“I sleep in the shower and use the toilet seat as my pillow. When I need to wake up in the morning I just flush the toilet.”
Water: Available for purchase
Amendment status: Pending review under Section 12 of the Accord. Both parties must sign in person.
Amount: $390
Status: Eventually returned
One (1) laptop. One (1) broken Z key.
Cause of death: Matthew's phone.
Replacement offered: Never.
Duration of suffering: Years.
“He just dropped his phone on it and that was that. The Z was gone. He never even said sorry.”
As outlined in Section 5 of the Accord: Jonathan shall serve as President. Matthew shall serve as Vice President. A White House position is guaranteed. In the event of incapacitation, the VP assumes full authority. No questions asked.
— From a letter by M. Dunmire, Radix Debate Club President, 2017
It flickers. It glows. It has seen better days.